Like Talking to a Wall

Him: What are you up to?
Me: I’m staying in
Him: Want to come over?
Me: No, I’m staying in
Him: What does that mean? You’re not coming over?
Me: It means that I am in my sweats and I don’t want to go out, but have a good night, ok?
Him: Want me to come over there?
Me: No
Him: Why not?
Me: Because I didn’t invite you over. Good night.
Him: But won’t you be lonely?
Me: No.
Him: But what if there are hoodlums around?
Me: I’ll manage. Good night.
Him: So you’re not coming over?
Me: No
Him: When can we hang out again?
Me: You know, I’m just not interested. Have a good night.
Him: Are you mad at me?
Me: No, I’m just not interested
Him: You don’t want me to call you again?
Me: That would be best. I’m going to go now.
Him: You’re mad at me?
Me: Look, I don’t like to repeat myself and every time we hang out, I end up repeating myself, again and again. You’ve asked me at least 3 times if I have roommates and every time I say no; I’ve told you about my scooter a bunch of times and you were still shocked when you saw it. I don’t want to be a bitch right now, but I kind of am and I’m OK with that. You have a good night.
Him: So you don’t want me to call you again?
Me: No, have a good night
Him: Have a good life.


*****5 minutes later by text*****

Him: Sorry

3:30am on a Sunday Morning

911: 911. What is your emergency?

Me: Um, I’m stuck on a Caltrain

911: Do you need any medical attention?

Me: No, I just feel really dumb.

911: Where are you now?

Me: In San Jose. I think I’m at the Caltrain Depot off of Coleman

911: Could you tell me what happened?

Me: I took the 12:01 train from San Francisco and I fell asleep and I just woke up and now I can’t get out because the door is locked.

911: OK, I’ll contact Caltrain Police. If no one is there in 15 minutes, call us back.

Me: Thanks.

Apply Within

Job title: Julia's Boy

Pay rate: DOE with excellent benefits

Hours: Flexible

Work environment:

Julia is a college-educated professional. She is generally well-spoken, funny and fairly pretty. She is intelligent and giving and expects the same.

Hard Skills and/or Qualifications required:

This role must be filled by an individual who can process information and implement into action at an accelerated level with the utmost quality. The position will require a candidate who can multi-task with a great attention to detail. This individual will provide the highest level of support of Julia's entertainment and emotions

Preferred BS/BA degree, minimum 3 - 5 years of related relationship experience.

Soft skills required:

• Communication skills (written, verbal, interpersonal)
• Ability to build relationship with Julia's peers and cross functional organizations
• Presentation skills
• Self motivated and responsive
• Excellent follow-through
• Flexibility in a fast-paced, changing environment
• Ability to absorb information and communicate effectively
• Approachable and friendly

Essential job functions:

• Planning and implementation of dates
• Engagement in conversations
• Acting as the "big spoon"
• Sexual reciprocation
• Occasional charming of friends, coworkers, and family members

Additional essential information:

This position cannot be filled by anyone with the following characteristics:

• Owns more that 10 pairs of shoes
• Religious
• Lives with parents
• Lacks career ambition
• Thinks he's a musician
• Has body piercings or neck tattoos